This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
