Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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