I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
