I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
