FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
