He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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