I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
