Duck Duck Cougar?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
