Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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