Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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