boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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