Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
