you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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