I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The ass gains better be worth it
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