She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
