Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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