i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
