I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
