Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
