When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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