Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize