I hate your face
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Randomize
