My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
