you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
