if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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