Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
