Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
