Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
