Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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