Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im holly from the hills drunk
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
