Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
