i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
