She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i drank out of a bidet.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't deserve a penis
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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