I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
