hotel room ftw
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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