So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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