Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
