I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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