I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
