she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
