I will die if light touches me.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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