I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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