So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
