I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Say something about gay babies.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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