you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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