my mouth tastes like poor choices
It's Friday. Sex?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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