I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
