I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
