Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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