How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
