you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
