I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
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girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize