you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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