I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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