The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
