My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
