I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
