I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You ruined the universe
Randomize
