I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
