guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
